‍By Dr. Will Osei, Ph.D.

The core idea:
Sometimes the person in therapy isn’t the one “causing the problem.” They’re the one who can feel it. But even when the other partner resists change, therapy can still move the relationship forward — by helping you hold perspective, regulate emotion, and decide what kind of connection you can realistically sustain.

The Uneven Work of Change

In most relationships, distress doesn’t appear symmetrically. One partner notices disconnection earlier, asks the hard questions, books the session. The other minimizes, avoids, or insists things will “blow over.”

Clients often ask, “What’s the point of me being here if they won’t come?”

The answer, from an MBT (Mentalization-Based Therapy) standpoint, is that your mind is still half the system. The way you interpret your partner’s behavior — the stories you tell yourself about what they feel and mean — shapes every interaction. Even if the other person never sets foot in the therapy room, your ability to stay reflective instead of reactive changes the entire emotional climate.

Understanding the Mentalization Gap

At its core, MBT is about keeping both minds in mind — yours and theirs. In distressed couples, that capacity collapses. Each partner stops imagining the other’s interior world and reacts to behavior instead of meaning.

When one partner enters therapy alone, the task becomes repairing your own mentalizing first. You can’t reopen perspective in the relationship until your own nervous system stops confusing threat with rejection.

Therapy helps you begin to ask:

• What’s happening in me when they withdraw?
• What might be happening in them, even if it’s hard to see?
• How do I want to respond once I can think again?

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This process doesn’t excuse the other person’s behavior. It restores your agency — the ability to respond intentionally rather than reflexively.

The Physiology of Limbo

Relational limbo — that suspended space between hope and loss — is one of the most dysregulating emotional states the brain can endure.
Uncertainty keeps the attachment system on high alert: cortisol rises, sleep and concentration suffer, rumination loops tighten. The body wants resolution — any resolution — because clarity feels like safety.

Therapy in this stage isn’t about quick decisions; it’s about nervous system literacy. You learn to distinguish the anxiety of not knowing from the intuition that something’s wrong. That distinction often marks the turning point between impulsive choices and grounded clarity.

Case Example: Lara

Lara, a 38-year-old attorney, came to therapy after months of feeling unseen by her partner, James. “I’m the one reading books, doing the work,” she said. “He thinks I’m overanalyzing everything.”

In session, we slowed her reactivity long enough to notice what happened physiologically before every fight — the heat in her chest, the narrowing of vision, the impulse to explain harder. Once she recognized those as signs of mentalization collapse, she began pausing before interpreting James’s detachment as contempt.

Instead of chasing reassurance, she learned to anchor in observation: “He’s quiet right now. I don’t know what that means yet.”
That single sentence became a hinge point. It didn’t fix the relationship, but it stopped the escalation long enough for genuine data to emerge — about what might still be possible, and what might not.

What Therapy Can Offer When Only One Person Comes

1. Stabilization.
You learn how to regulate emotion in the presence of uncertainty — to feel the anxiety of disconnection without letting it run the system.

2. Perspective.
Through mentalization, you practice holding two realities at once: yours and theirs. You stop needing agreement in order to understand.

3. Boundaries with clarity.
Therapy helps you set limits that protect dignity rather than punish distance. Boundaries become a way of maintaining connection with yourself, not control over your partner.

4. Preparation for future connection.
Even if the current relationship doesn’t repair, the work you do — learning to think under stress, to imagine another’s mind without losing your own — becomes the blueprint for healthier attachment later.

Navigating Limbo Without Losing Yourself

• Stay embodied. Notice the cues that tell you when you’re no longer thinking clearly — the heart rate spike, the rehearsed arguments. Come back to breath or movement before making decisions.
• Name the pattern, not the person. Instead of “They don’t care,” try “We get stuck in this loop where I pursue and they retreat.” That language keeps curiosity alive.
• Practice “not-knowing.” In MBT, tolerance for uncertainty is the cornerstone of love that lasts. You can’t know someone fully and still stay open — that’s what intimacy requires.

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The Takeaway

When the “wrong” person is in therapy, the work can still be transformative.
You’re not just learning to cope with your partner — you’re learning to stay connected to your own mind under emotional pressure.

In MBT, that’s where change begins: with one person who can think clearly enough to hold two realities at once.

Explore how Relationship Therapy helps you navigate love, ambivalence, and repair through reflection.
New to therapy? See what to expect in Explore Therapy.

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